Window to My Heart: My Poems
Here I have collected a few of my poems; I hope you will enjoy
them. But even if not, the poems have still fulfilled their
purpose. They serve me as a window to my heart, or more precisely,
as a window out of my heart, a window through which I can throw all
my sorrows and problems, anything that concerns me.
Although I write a lot of poems in English, there are still some
in German. In most cases I have translated them for your convenience,
but please mind that literature often suffers during this process.
Sometimes, when the translation would have been too far off, I have
not provided an English version.
I have prepared a special print
edition of 48 of my poems, now available for purchase from Blurb.com
under the title "A Window to My Heart - Voices from Inside My
Head from 1997 to 2006", available both as hardcover and paperback books.
Rubber duckies, little puppies
San Diego loot
Anything cute
Just silly fun and Halloween
Monte Christos, deviled eggs
Turkey dinner
Christmas stockings
Coriander beer and orange peel
Scraps of paper
You had written on
Coupon clippings
You knew I'd never use
Pictures of something
Just taken by you
Anything remotely related
I loved it because I loved you.
(November 2007)
I am mourning.
I am sadness.
(September 2007)
Clarity seems crucial
When walking on the crumbling bridge
And time is of the essence
But what if the unobstructed vision
Makes one quiver and fall?
Maybe a slight haze
A maze of cycles and chains
Makes one less afraid
Of venturing ahead
On a road paved
With colorful bricks?
The cycles and chains are
A slippery slope themselves
But suspended in air
Without footing
A way forward or back
Who would not wish for wings
When walking on the crumbling bridge
And time is of the essence?
(August 2006)
What if
I will crack
What will happen if
I break under the pressure
What will stir the calm sea
The apparent order?
What will emerge
From the unknown depths?
I am frightened
When I feel how much there is
That churns unseen
I am abhorred by the thought
Of what it could do
If it started to rise
When I feel the mass
Of what usually stays inert
Beneath my skin
Below my appearance
Behind my demeanor
I feel a mighty ocean
With abysses that have
Never been explored
Not meant to be explored
And then I realize
How little I know
About myself
I know myself
And I find myself crushed
Between the unknown world
In which I live
And the unfamiliar cosmos
That I am myself
So thin
Between these vast expanses
I am nothing but a membrane
About to rupture
With no plan, no calling
No purpose of my own
I am nothing but a gearwheel
In some unfathomable machine
With redundant circuits
So inconsequential
I don't even exist
What if
Atlas trembles
What will happen if
My heavens fall
And why do I think
That isn't meant to be?
Why do I suffer
Under the burden of my world?
(October 2005)
Now that my heart
Has rolled out to sea
May Pacific waves
Bring you back to me
And let you find
In the dark blue deep
That hidden trust
You somewhere keep
As vast as the ocean
Our love will be strong
And never let you doubt
Together we belong
I will wait for you
My decision stands
Interlocked be our lives
Like the fingers of our hands
(March 2004)
Quiet yet cheerful
Laughing but sincere
Stuns me into silence
That voice I love to hear
Human save stellar
Beautiful but real
Creeps into my dreams
Every sight of her I steal
Contradictions she is
So many to me
Yet she sends out a light
That every day I see
Close by but unreachable
Hidden, still surely taken
Such a horrible thought
That leaves me shaken
(December 2002)
In the end, life defaults to ashes
And love is the fire that burns it
(November 2002)
A look of lips
Burnt into my brain
Did I read that right
What they did not say?
(November 2002)
Friendship or more
Loss or love?
Awkward pause.
Wait and would've won
Or rush to ruins?
Silence for too long.
All or nothing
Risk or not?
Indecision.
If I have to choose
I take --
(November 2002)
Please
No thoughts to forget
No regrets to dwell on
No words to consider
No innuendos to think about
No actions to weigh
No blinks not to miss
No gestures to misread
No fantasies to imagine
No futile fuss
Empty hopes
No more
(November 2002)
I'd fly you to the moon
With stars so clear to see
But then I realize:
So does he
Talk about your dreams
I'd try to make them come true
But then I understand:
They already do
They say jealousy is just
Another human trait
But then I feel its pain
With you as a bait
(October 2002)
I don't have the looks in my favor
Am not witty as they are, nor as smart
I am a coward, they are so much braver
There is nothing to set me apart
Yet it is not hard to choose
Despite the possible pain
What do I have to lose,
And not everything to gain?
Then why not go for a star like you
Glowing brightly in the distant sky
So precious, only reached by few
I know I'll get burned but I have to try
(October 2002)
Looks: cute
Acts: charming
Eyes: gorgeous
Smile: sweet
This summary:
So incomplete
(September 2002)
It has happened again
Was only a question when
And moreover: who?
It just had to be you
With that fiery hair
You were merely sitting there
Content with yourself
Into your seduction I delve
Want to put my mind to rest
But can think of you at best
Dreaming, painting a fantasy
Unsure if it will ever be
(September 2002)
Zögerer, Haderer
Ängstlich bin ich
Gehe all die Schritte
Nur den letzten nicht.
Habe sie vor mir
Mit der Blume im Haar
Doch ich fürchte mich
Und mach' es nicht wahr.
Translation:
Hesitator, falterer
So scared am I
Take all the steps
But not the last.
She's right in front of me
The flower in her hair
But I am afraid
And don't make it true.
(August 2002)
Another worthless day
Lonely, and again I sway
Between love, desire
Determination like fire;
And a crushed, pensive state
Painful, despising this fate:
Still captured, nothing new
Remaining drawn to you.
(February 2002)
Make time
Make time for me
I need you so
I cannot be
I don't know you
And you not me
But I have a feeling
How it should be
If only you where there
Close by for me to hold
I promise with all my heart
To turn your time to gold
You told me you were overwhelmed
Without any intentions at all
Maybe I should just let this go,
Before in despair I fall
Take my hopes, dispel the illusions
Don't just say you lack the time
Crush my spirit, kill the dreams
Don't make me write another rhyme.
(January 2002)
My mind-set shifts
From utter resignation
And the desire to just move on
The longing to forget something
That probably was never there;
To the strongest resolution
Of bringing this to an end myself
And asking you one final time
With the perfect understanding
That I am never going to get you.
(January 2002)
I've known it, it was clear,
Seen it coming, feeding my fear
The heartache, probable 'no'
It should have stopped the show
Yet the promises of a 'yes'
Made me follow this princess
Though my dreams left her smile's trace
Certainty now shows reality's ugly face
I hate me, hate me for the ridicule
That I put on me by this painful rule
And still, the certainty of a broken heart
Is so much better than that of one barred
Never to know if it could have flown.
(September 2000)
Outside quiet, inside proud
Glowing through a light blue cloud
Tiny giggle, bright white teeth
Shiny eye smiling at what it sees
Lovely dimples, cute little nose
The beauty that your expression shows
Tender hands, so pretty feet
I'd love to give everything you need
Have you given me hints, some kind of sign?
I ask you, will you be mine?
(September 2000)
Space, Next to Me
I'm sitting here, not alone
Can hear people talking
Still there's this space
Empty; next to me; walking
Friends that took me here
Listening to music, it's alright
Still half of me seems missing
You would have been my pride
Just glowing, sparkling
In this space next to me
The person to turn to
If I longed for beauty
(September 2000)
Aquamarine diamonds stare with glee
But look inward and not at me
Your angel's golden hair I'd love to touch
But you turn away, only let me watch
I'm so lost, don't know what to do
A day goes awry without seeing you
The same old story, here I go again
Falling, making my moves in vain
(August 2000)
Es sterben meine Kinder
Das eine sagt, ich spreche nicht
Und werde nur noch schlafen,
Das andere, es lebte Jahre schlicht
Und hörte lange mehr keine Harfen.
Dem schönsten Lächeln fern bin ich,
War es lang, hatte mich nur belogen,
Aus kühnem Traume reißt man mich,
Meinem Sein den Eizahn gezogen.
Translation:
My children are dying
The one says I won't speak
And sleep from now on only
The other, it for years lived weak
And long did not hear the harps.
The prettiest smile so distant from me
For long it was, had only lied to myself
From bold dreams I'm woken to see
My existence's egg tooth being pulled.
(August 2000)
My tiny dreams
Revolve around
Your sweetest voice
And magic sound
With that you sang
In the deepest night
Of dreams and rainbows
While holding me tight
You said, at the end
There lies a treasure
But I did not go the distance
And missed that pleasure
(April 2000)
Wicked
Wicked thing
You lure me with your lips
Tempt me with your voice
Shake me with a touch
Then stab me with your eyes
Whip me with your golden hair
You wicked thing
Why just tease me
With that unsure smile?
Wicked thing
You stun me with your beauty
Addict me to your body
Destroy me with your decision
Then haunt me with what you say
Touch me with a shake of your head
You wicked thing
Why play this game,
Why pull my leg?
(April 2000)
A forgotten pen
Is a word less on paper
A forgotten word
Is a rhyme unspoken
A forgotten rhyme
Means a poem never to be written
A forgotten poem
Lets a feeling fade away
A forgotten feeling
Is one reason less to live
And a forgotten life
Is a chance not taken
To say, my dear, I love you.
(April 2000)
When my fire has died
When my flames are gone
The hot ashes remain
And you still turn me on
When there are nothing but sparks
And it cools down, the stove
It is still hotter than just stone
For it keeps on glowing, my love.
(April 2000)
What do I have to say?
Want me to say, "I love you"
That leave you I would never do?
Please tell me, tell me soon, I pray.
What do you want me to do?
Want me to kiss you here
Or maybe touch you there?
I will do it, but please give me a clue.
Why do you always make my spirits fly
Lift me to where in love I drown
And then say "no" and shoot me down,
To strike ground and make my cry?
When I ask if we'll come together again
Your mind rejects me so cruelly,
But then you turn and smile at me,
Leaving me spellbound in the rain.
(April 2000)
Every word is hollow
Nothing but just air
Conveying no meaning to her.
Every action is futile
The intention already wrong
Still longed for to be done.
Every place is lonely
'Cause she's not with me there
She doesn't love me as I love her.
Every rejection is anticipated
Pain warming up my cold life
Edging her name deeper into my heart.
Every thought of her hurts,
Is part of my stupidity,
Which unanswered love seems to be.
(April 2000)
Adored you like a princess
You came to me to bless
My lonely empire with your beauty
To end my crusade, inner mutiny
For thousands of years to stay
Or so I hoped and dearly prayed
But you have crossed the pantheon's border
And have joined a new order
Ventured to where I cannot follow
Leaving me thirsty, bleeding, and hollow
You say your kingdom will come,
But from mine you are eternally gone.
(March 2000)
Strange.
The light is cold
Where it should be warm
The minds are gone
Where new life was sparked
The dying are nursed
And the young grow old
The monsters mourn
And the smart are slain
It is quiet when it should be loud
And loud when it used to be quiet
Those with time long for the end
While those without are bound to chains
It is a prison of the free
Who are tied to their remaining days
A torture for the coming
Getting freer every day
In this madness it comes out clear
What a surreal place this is.
(March 2000)
Thoughts often are
Like clouds of mist
They block your view
Fool you around
Lead you off your track
Make you walk into walls
Leave you cold and frightened
But once you are through and turn
They are gone
Like they've never been there.
(March 2000)
Was You
Although I left you ages ago
I still miss your voice on the phone
We used to talk so often
I miss your light in my eyes
You used to smile at me so often
I miss your touch and breath
We used to always be together
Thinking of you drives tears into my eyes.
After I left and turned away
You were still here
Crying and broken, but there
Were maybe loving, maybe hating me
It was not until you stood up,
Lived on and changed
That I mourned and saw my errors
Discovered it hurt more than it did before.
Now that I am just by myself
I feel so shattered, incomplete
Find myself trapped
In memories and habits
Wandering restless like a caged in tiger
Bound to thoughts of you
So pity and worthless
'Cause the best part of me was you.
(March 2000)
Why do sweet dreams
Always turn bitter
After you wake up?
These dreams are made
For the time your mind wanders
Not for that when it ponders.
These dreams hurt worse
Than nightmares
For an ended nightmare
Lets you embrace
Reality with a relieved sigh
While such a dream only shows
What you are lacking in life.
These dreams make you
Want to drift back
To sleep and slumber
And long for something
You don't have
The entire ruined day
The only hope
That these dreams
Creep back with dusk.
(March 2000)
My Queen of Hearts
Oh, dream of my nights
You're the reason for my struggling
Both my midnight's madness
And magic morning star
First wish of the day
And last thought of times
My favorite of fantasies
You're the name of my pain
Both higher meaning
And lowest instinct
You're the brightest figure
Yet the punisher of my soul
Both reason to smile
And cause of tears
You're the love of my life
My queen of hearts.
(March 2000)
Wenn mein kaltes Herz
Seinen letzten Schlag abgibt,
Mir die Sicht schwindet,
Und mein Blut stillsteht,
Wenn meine Kehle einen letzten Ton von sich gibt
Und ich ein letztes Mal
Das Rauschen der Zeit höre,
Wenn mir kalt wird,
Ich alles bald vergesse,
Wenn irgendwann einmal mein Leben
Wie ein Film an meinen Augen vorüberzieht,
Dann freue ich mich auf die Szenen mit Dir.
Translation:
When my cold heart
Beats its last beat,
When I turn blind
And my blood ceases to flow,
When my throat utters one last word
And I hear the noise of life
Again one final time,
When I turn cold
And begin to forget,
When one day I see my life like a movie
Rolling in front of my eyes,
I am looking forward to the scenes with you.
(February 2000)
Without Without You
Why does doing the right hurt so bad
While dreaming the forbidden can feel so good?
What is your love's dark secret
That keeps me from leaving it?
Why is our story my night's favorite tale
Before I travel into the dream's shady vale?
Why can't I just leave you behind
Like a tape that I can't rewind?
Why is our time together like bridges,
That have crumbled apart, exposing my glitches?
Your images still haven't gone away,
You're still the one, is all I can say.
It's the greatest compliment I can make
Even if my life were at stake.
You're still the sovereign of my dreams,
The queen of all my dearest themes,
The most precious gem I've ever worn
Whose lost love now feels like a thorn.
Push it into my heart and kill me,
Or leave it like it is, for now I see:
I wouldn't be me without it,
Without without you.
(February 2000)
Despite a word that hit me deep
My friend Johnnie helps me into sleep,
Pills against the pain, so sore,
Dreams, I don't have them anymore.
(January 2000)
Makes me shoulder any Herculean task,
Could get me tasting from the snake's poisonous flask.
Could turn me in for any sin
If only it made me her win.
(December 1999)
Saw an angel spread her wings,
A girl so pure worthy only of kings.
Had me standing in the windy night,
But she makes it worthwhile, any painful fight.
(December 1999)
The feeling of our short embrace,
The happy look in your sweet face.
The way you touched my heart's right spot,
Was it true or was it not?
Was it what I felt or only fake?
Will this be more than I can take?
(December 1999)
Have to pretend that we are together,
Pretend that my eyes looking at you
Are my hands touching
Pretend that some words you say
Are meant to say "I love you."
(July 1999)
Ich kann Dich nicht aufgeben.
Jede Stunde, in der wir uns sehen,
Jede Minute, in der ich mit Dir spreche,
Jede Sekunde, in der ich an Dich denke
Verliebe ich mich mehr in Dich.
Translation:
I can't give you up.
Every hour I see you,
Every minute I talk to you,
Every second I think of you
The more I fall in love with you.
(July 1999)
Nachts umarme ich meine Decke
Drücke sie an mich und
Küsse mein Kissen
Flüstere "Ich liebe Dich", "Ich brauche Dich",
Doch es antwortet nur:
"Sie Dich nicht. Du bist allein."
Translation:
Every night I hug my blanket,
Hold it tight.
I kiss my pillow,
And whisper "I love you, I need you."
But it only answers:
"She doesn't love you. You are alone."
(July 1999)
When I'm away from you
My day turns into night
For only if you love me too
Can the sun still shine as bright.
A day without you is so long
Time without you wasted.
I'm listening to our love songs
And think: "This game, you've lost it."
(July 1999)
Ich kann Dich nicht aufgeben,
Nicht wegschicken
Wie das letzte Mal.
Ich lasse ein Flämmchen
Der Hoffnung brennen.
Werde es nicht einsehen,
Werde nicht aufhören,
Und wenn ich an Dir zerbreche.
Denn diesmal
Werde ich mir wehtun.
Ich bin dran.
Translation:
I can't give you up,
Can't send you away
Like last time.
I'll keep burning
A little flame of hope.
Won't accept it,
Won't stop,
Even if you break me.
This time
I will hurt myself.
It's my turn.
(July 1999)
Autofahren, Müdigkeit und Liebeskummer.
Eine tödliche Kombination.
Ich rolle nach Hause, weg von Dir.
Werde ich je alle Stücke meines
Zerbrochenen Herzens wiederbekommen?
Mit Tränen in den Augen versinke ich
In Sekundenschlafträumen.
Warum hast Du wieder mein Herz genommen,
Gibst es nicht mehr her?
Behalte es, ohne Dich brauche ich es nicht.
(July 1999)
Zittern meine Knie
Wenn ich daran denke,
Sehe ich ganz klar
Deine funkelnden Augen,
Die mich anblitzen,
Zeigen, daß wir etwas besonderes sind.
Wenn ich daran denke,
Spüre ich ganz deutlich,
Wie Du mich umarmst,
Deine Hände hinter meinem Kopf verschließt,
Meinen Nacken kraulst.
Wenn ich daran denke,
Weiß ich genau,
Wie sehr ich Dich liebte,
Wie leicht ich mein Glück verspielte.
Wenn ich daran denke,
Dann zittern meine Knie
Translation:
Knees Are Shaking
Whenever I think back,
I can see clearly
Your bright eyes
Sparkling at me,
Showing that we have something special.
Whenever I think back,
I can feel strongly
How you embrace me
Put your arms behind my neck
And stroke my hair.
Whenever I think back,
I know exactly
How much I loved you,
How easily I lost you.
Whenever I think back
My knees are shaking.
(July 1999)
Wenn Du bekommst eine
Leuchtende Rose von mir,
So ist sie nur ein Spiegelbild,
Ein blasses, von Dir.
Translation:
When I give you
A bright and shining rose,
It's still only a mirror,
A weak reflection of you.
(September 1997)
I'm sorry but
I believe it's true
I've lost your bracelet
Hope I don't lose you too.
Because I know I can
Find the bracelet somewhere again.
But once you are gone
I will be alone.
Please forgive me
I'm so sorry
If somebody knew
Only how I worry.
Please don't believe
I think carelessly of you.
For you there is
Nothing I wouldn't do.
I really care, I really do
I really, really love you.
(Summer 1997)
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